Rules are really important but enforcing them can be really hard. Especially during summertime when there’s a lot of togetherness. Today was our first full day of summer vacation after a half day of school yesterday. It was a long day but it was fairly smooth.

My anxious tendency is to stage a big family meeting and lay out the ground rules before the first day of vacation arrives. But I know that approach is often ineffective. This summer, I felt I needed to take a more relational approach.

I decided not to print a list of rules and post them on the walls in a few visible places around the house. I knew they’d tear and curl and half of my kids can’t read anyway. Instead, I chose to ease into it, taking behavior as it comes.

We are all burned out from the school routine, and I figured we would enjoy a low-key day on the first full day of summer vacation. If the day ended up a bit of a mess in terms of discipline, I could live with it.

Screentime limits

The biggest item in need of regulation for our family, like most, is screen time. As I tucked my older kids in on the night of the last day of school, I gently told them they wouldn’t be hopping on mom’s laptop or the Nintendo Switch at 7 a.m. like they’re allowed to do on Saturday mornings. I suggested that everyone was really tired and needed extra rest, so we’d talk about screen time options after 9 a.m. Surprisingly, they didn’t fight me. They really were that tired.

The next day, I tied the start of screentime to a few key metrics. They must have eaten, brushed teeth, gotten dressed, made the bed and let the neighbor’s chickens out of their coop (we are chickensitting). Next week I’ll think of another quick chore when we no longer have chickens to watch. Then, as long as it’s not too early — before 8 a.m. — they get their morning screen hour.

My guess is they will find reasons to lounge in bed, read or whatever else rather than pop out of bed at dawn with this system in place. This is my masterplan.

NOM NOM NOM

The next big challenge is snack time. It seems that any time is snack time when you have kids. Bored? Have a snack. Mad at your sister? Have a snack. Just eat lunch? Snacktime! Dinner on the stove? Grab a cheese stick!

NOT OK.

Between their ability to ransack the pantry in 24 hours, the snack litter and crumbs on counters and end tables, and the constant interruption caused by requests for sustenance, snacks may well be my undoing this summer if I am not careful. I didn’t do an awesome job of sticking to our two-snack policy today, but a mid-morning and mid-afternoon nibble will be the standard around here, save for the odd popsicle on a hot day.

Sibling relations

We take a hardline against physical aggression between brothers and sisters in this home, so I nipped a few altercations in the bud with some good, old-fashioned stern talk and threats to revoke screen privileges. What’s harder to bear is the constant tension between siblings who play nicely for 15 minutes, fight, cry, and come running to me. Repeat on loop.

Aggression aside, the rule here is, they need to figure it out on their own! It’s hardest for me to follow this rule. I clench my teeth and wait for the next squabbling interruption. I make a casual suggestion or two and resume what I’m doing. If absolutely necessary, I mediate a discussion. Otherwise, conflict resolution is a life skill and I can’t be dragged into this stuff.

Chores

We’ve assigned chores to our older kids for quite a while, but the house gets messier when we are all here and if I didn’t assign additional chores, I’d spend the whole day picking up after everyone. I knew I’d face a battle — especially with our routine-minded oldest — if I assigned new daily chores, so I buried the lead.

I asked kids to help around the house throughout the day, and I was met with surprisingly little resistance. My older daughter cleaned all the glass doors; my son handled his laundry and took care of the dog when asked. As long as this cooperation continues, I won’t bother with any sort of chore chart. (Speaking of that, does anyone else find things like chore charts and checklists cumbersome? I don’t find it helpful to have one more thing to do — check off a list, remind kids to check off a list, etc.)

Summer reading and more

My kids are still pretty young, so we don’t have a lot of summer reading or other mandatory projects to take care of this summer. But my daughter needs to practice math and reading and my son needs to practice his saxophone (he’ll read on his own without prompting). I considered a weekly schedule for this, but like the rest, I’m going to test out a laid-back approach — inviting them to sit with me and read or do a worksheet the school provided during quiet times. I hope this is enough.

Truly, I believe their brains need to rest over the summer. I read somewhere that the rest period is actually essential for absorbing all they have learned and priming their brains for more learning in the fall.

Fun

To be honest, this is the first summer in a long time where I feel like we might actually have a lot of fun.

Let me rephrase: It’s the first summer where I might have a lot of fun. It seemed for several years I had only very young children, was juggling a baby and a toddler, could hardly take my eyes off one to watch the others jump off the dock or do a handstand in the water. I was stressed and frazzled and sleep deprived all the time. I didn’t have energy to calmly enforce boundaries, much less have a sense of adventure.

This year, I sense, will be different. My oldest is in the double digits, my 7-year-old girl is a blast, our 5-year-old is pretty capable, and everyone helps keep an eye on the toddler. Oh, and my mom is now retired, so I have a buddy to bring along with us to the lake, museums, playgrounds and the ice cream shop.

This rule is for me: Say “yes” to more outings, more fun projects at home, and more lemonade stands. Enjoy the peak childhood years with the kids that remind me so much of my own.